What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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