Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
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Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
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We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Hello my rib-scented angel!