Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
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shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house