my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter