I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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