party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You are the jesus of drinking
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
