so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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