sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i dont even know how to be here
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
