I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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