Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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