Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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