She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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