So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We have so much sex to catch up on
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
