oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I think your dad took our porno
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out