I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.