I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.