I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?