I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.