i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
