I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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