Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
