Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY