I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer