I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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