I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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