chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
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i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
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A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.