Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
