Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
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If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
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Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.