dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
We need to rekindle our bromance
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY