I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.