the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.