obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?