Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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