Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
its not stalking. its research.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
