haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
