i would punch a child for taco bell
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
