where am i from again
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
