My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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