Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
