So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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