im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
