I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
