My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Someone came in the potted fern
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
