So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
