You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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