You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
this is an emotional support booty call
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
