I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My life is pants optional.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
