Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
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Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
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if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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