Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
