Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
it wasn't lemon gatorade
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
