Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
