PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
