shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
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