i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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