Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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