The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
