my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
