Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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