Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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