Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
